Tell us a little about the two of you.
Hi everyone! We’re Matt & Bianca. We’ve been together for 23 years, swingers for seven and practicing polyamory for three and half years.
What does your relationship dynamic look like?
At the moment, Matt has a girlfriend of 18 months and Bianca recently split with her boyfriend of two years. Matt dates openly, (Friends with Benefits, one-nights stands, swinging together or separately, etc). Bianca prefers swinging and lasting relationships in the poly world. Shortly after we started swinging, we began documenting our evolution on YouTube and via our audio podcast.
What do you love about non-monogamy?
We love that you can experience so many different types of people. We love each other immensely but there are some things that can never be filled by the other person. Whether it’s hobbies, kinks, a specific body type or anything else that one person can’t entirely fulfill the other. We understand that it’s ok not to be 100% perfect for each other in every way but that doesn’t change our love for one another.
What parts of non-monogamy do you find challenging?
Definitely scheduling and jealousy are issues that come up much more in the poly world. When we were just swinging, we were still together as a pair. As we started dating separately and creating relationships with others, issues arose that we had never run into before. Instead of working through problems entirely as a team, we had team problems but also individual issues that we both had to work through, individually.
How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?
Communication, communication, communication. This can’t be stressed enough in any relationship, let alone non-monogamy. We have always had very strong communication between us (probably the reason we’ve been together so long). When one person is feeling negatively about something, we feel that if we sit down and talk about what we’re feeling and more importantly WHY we’re feeling that way, we can overcome any relationship obstacle.
How do you feel like being polyamory intersects with or affects your relationship and lives as swingers (and vice versa)?
It has definitely opened up our swinging lives more to actually better sex with others. We came to discover that separate-room sex almost always equals better sex (with others, of course). When you can focus on who you’re playing with, even form some sort of connection, even fleeting ones, the sex improves significantly. And since, there are also many lifestyle couples who ONLY play separately, we have a wider pool of playmates. Plus poly/swinger couples that we meet tend to be more at ease with us since we’re on similar paths.
How accepting was the swinging community when you became poly?
There are a lot of people that are both swingers AND poly. Many won’t admit it for some reason, maybe because they don’t like labels but that’s definitely what we’ve seen. Some swinger couples that we talk to think we’re crazy for creating relationships with others as that has a higher possibility for jealousy and marital problems. We try to explain loving more than one person does not mean that we love our spouses any less. But since we’re still swingers, the swinging community still seems to accept us. Of course, monogamous couples have always thought we’re crazy.
Do you find it difficult to date poly people when you are swingers?
Along the same lines as what we were just saying, there are some poly people that we’ve met that are adamant against having sex with others that you DON’T have a connection with but in general, most have been very sex-positive. Actually more poly people have had issues with the fact that we’re married and believe that our potential hierarchy would be a problem with dating them.
Do you date poly people who are not swingers?
We both would but honestly, it’s never come up. Some who would never admit they were swingers but go to orgies all the time with other poly people. As long as the poly people we were potentially dating were ok with the fact that we will be sexually active (safely) with many others, we don’t see any problem.
Have swingers rejected playing with you because you are in a poly relationship?
Not that we’re aware of but we’re pretty clear that we don’t NEED relationships with others to have a good time.
What do you wish more swingers would understand?
Many of the swingers you play with are also poly. You just don’t know it. It doesn’t affect you in any way as long as they don’t attach themselves to you if it’s unwanted.
What do you wish more poly people would understand?
Some swingers don’t want loving connections. Some do. A large percentage of swingers feel more comfortable playing with people that they at least have a friendly connection to. And some don’t want to even formally meet the people they’re playing with. There is no harm in asking. We definitely see that every couple has their own journey and evolution through the years which may mean they couldn’t even imagine polyamory today but you never know what tomorrow may bring. If nothing else, swingers have the best sex stories.
What advice would you give people who are new to non-monogamy?
Non-monogamy is not for everyone. But if you’re dipping your toes in and it goes well, you could be opening up your lives to the most amazing things that you never even knew existed. The most important thing we tell people is always go with the speed of the more conservative person.
Whatever that may be. Is there anything else you would like to share with poly swingers?
Polyamory is amazing. Swinging is amazing. They can both work and they can both fail horribly. Always communicate with each other every step of the way. Sad things are going to happen in your relationship but if you talk through it and always put the other person first, it’ll work out in the end.
Want to Contact and/or Follow Matt and Bianca?
Listen to the first podcast where Matt and Bianca started talking about poly.
Everybody Swing Podcast
Everybody Swing on Twitter
Matt & Bianca’s Subreddit for Poly Swingers
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