{"id":186,"date":"2017-09-04T00:01:55","date_gmt":"2017-09-04T00:01:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/facd2ce320.nxcli.io\/?p=186"},"modified":"2024-04-12T13:17:36","modified_gmt":"2024-04-12T17:17:36","slug":"self-care","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/findpoly.com\/blog\/self-care\/","title":{"rendered":"Self Care and Open Relationships: A Manual"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Gather round, children, and get comfortable: We\u2019re going to talk about self-care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s that? Self-care is for \u201cpansies\u201d? It\u2019s for sensitive traumatized snowflakes that can\u2019t \u201ccut it\u201d on the daily without leaning on a crutch and being handled with kid gloves?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trust me, I would have been right there next to you, rolling my eyes to high heaven as recently as two years ago. I\u2019d always been a high-functioning individual with a powerful work ethic, albeit one that was majorly impacted by a lifelong anxiety around being perceived as \u201clazy\u201d\u2026until I wasn\u2019t. Turns out, even Wonder Woman needs periodic vacations. I discovered just how much of my ego and pride were wrapped up in this identity as a strong, impenetrable, \u201cI\u2019ll sleep when I\u2019m dead\u201d hellcat when I burned out and hit my equivalent of emotional rock bottom last year. Strangely, the most difficult part wasn\u2019t the spiral itself; it was watching what the spiral did to the people in my life who I love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to non-monogamy, \u201chinge\u201d partners – folks who find themselves the common denominator between two or more partners – and AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) people oftentimes take on the most time, energy, and labor in relationships. Anyone who has been socialized female is no stranger to the practice of training women to be the soothers, the negotiators, the mediators, the organizers. In my particular situation I was both the common denominator among the other three folks in my polycule AND the only femme. It took almost three years before I broke under the self-imposed pressure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re living in a gig economy culture of radical self-reliance, and this can have devastating consequences for both our physical and mental health. We\u2019re encouraged to be constantly creating, engaging, producing. We\u2019re expected to be constantly connected and available to the outside world. We\u2019re inundated with articles on how to \u201cincrease efficiency\u201d and \u201cmake the most of our time.\u201d For people like me, the societal pressure – coupled with the pressure I place on myself to be the best damn partner and lover I can be – can reach overwhelming proportions quite easily. Plus, in my experience, people in open relationships are more just more generally prone to \u201cburning the candle at both ends\u201d than monogamous folks are. We just have so many options!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No matter how counter-intuitive it initially felt, I eventually learned to embrace the fact that I was my best self when I was actively engaging in self-care. Now, one of the most valuable pieces of advice I carry for anyone in an open relationship is to take care of yourself FIRST. No exceptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To ensure a diversity of opinions and practices, I asked my non-monogamous community recently to talk to me about self-care. What are your go-to self-care strategies? How do you know when you’re due for self-care? How do your partners play a role in facilitating that for you, if at all? How critical do you find self-care as a non-monogamous person?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what we came up with:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alone time.<\/strong> This is the most obvious self-care route, and yet it\u2019s still severely underutilized. If you haven\u2019t intentionally cultivated solo time lately, it can feel foreign, scary, and anxiety-inducing. However, practicing being alone is like exercising a muscle – over time, you get stronger and stronger, until you eventually begin to crave it. I use alone time as an excuse to indulge in the activities that I love – but my partners hate – like watching horror movies. I also like to keep a healthy masturbation practice up to stay tuned-in to my body and remind myself that I am 100% capable of taking my pleasure into my own hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cSpending time alone is the most critical thing for me…it usually involves lying on the couch cuddling the cat watching Netflix, but can also involve tidying up my apartment, taking a bath, reading, napping. Quality alone time is #1. I can tell I need it when I’m getting hyper-overstimulated by sound, light, other people and feel on edge, but I try to build regular self-care time into my schedule to manage my depression and anxiety and help me be happier and more engaged when I do interact with other people.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere was a point in my life where I started realizing that my free slots in my calendar would get taken up more readily by time with partners\/metamours than by myself. Knowing I’ve a tendency to prioritize others and assume I’ll make time for myself eventually, I started scheduling time specifically for me to force myself to take space and time for myself to recharge. While my love is not a finite resource, my time and energy are. Prioritizing myself made my relationships within my polycules a lot stronger and I was a lot less checked out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLearning to motivate myself to go to stuff alone has been important. Going to longer events like festivals and traveling alone have been crucial self-care. Being poly, I may never actually be \u2018single\u2019 again and it’s super important that I know I can do things alone, make friends alone, and maintain my independence. Historically most friends I’ve made have been through partners, which is fine, but I also don’t want that to be the standard.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\"A<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Pamper yourself. <\/strong>Contrary to popular belief, \u201cpampering\u201d has no assigned gender, although there is class privilege inherent in some forms of pampering. Some more financially-accessible options could be: an afternoon of retail therapy at Goodwill, giving yourself a mani-pedi, doing a labor trade with a friend who\u2019s a bodyworker, or meditating alone. Also, honestly, sometimes \u201cpampering\u201d can be as simple as giving myself permission to eat half the bowl of cookie batter, or to watch an extra episode of Shameless <\/em>before buckling down to write an article.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cFood prepping, attempting to have solid sleep, massage, acupuncture, chiro, hot tubs, going for walks, spending time outside in the sun, spending time with platonic friends, day time drinking, and make outs on the dancefloor with strangers are all my favorite strategies. Some weekends I straight up need a \u2018bed day\u2019. I know I’m overdue when I feel impatient or burned out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Amplifying your OWN definition of productivity – whatever that means to YOU.<\/strong> I know I spoke previously to rebelling against this toxic culture of hyper-productivity, but hear me out! It\u2019s all too easy for poly folks to lose themselves in relationships. Lose time we previously devoted to other tasks, lose confidence in our ability to be anything but an amazing partner, etc. Reminding ourselves of our strengths and skillets – that we\u2019re more than just our relationships – can be reenergizing and satisfying. So whether it\u2019s pulling more hours at the gym, refreshing your grasp on a foreign language, or finally seeding that garden bed in the backyard, go on with your bad self!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cI clean. I may bitch about it if the apartment is especially messy from a double performance weekend from both my husband and me, but it is my meditation time. Cleaning for me doesn’t require extensive thinking and I can quiet my brain. I prefer to do this alone. Reading is my other escape. These are done from weekly to daily\u201d go to the gym, increase your competency around something, etc.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI like to organize my house and take care of my plants. It is quiet and soothing and makes me feel productive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMake a short list of 5 things you have to do. Make a short list of 5 things you want to do. Do the easiest thing on the have-to list. Afterwards do anything you want on the want-to list. Repeat until all ten things are done. When your urgent to do list is finished, you’ll really be able to do self-care because you’ve taken care of the urgent stuff, given yourself breathing room, and now can actually relax.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Spend time around animals. <\/strong>There\u2019s something pure, simplistic and comforting about the unwavering love, adoration, and loyalty of an animal. If you don\u2019t have your own, borrow someone else\u2019s! Assuming you don\u2019t have any allergies or phobias, of course.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"A<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\n

\u201cTime with my cats is critical. Seriously. I have actually had to cancel with people because I need to stay home and chill with my small fluffies as a method of quiet cuddle time that doesn’t require interactions with other humans.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Schedule self-care proactively to avoid sudden burn out.<\/strong> One of the easiest poly pitfalls to trip over is failing to schedule self-care BEFORE hitting rock bottom. If you already know you\u2019re prone to this behavior, put self-care sessions into your Google calendar, set cell phone alarm reminders for them, and keep the people close to you \u201cin the know\u201d so that they can encourage you to take the time you need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cWhenever I find myself irritated and snapping at others, I know I need rest and alone time. As with everything, communication with others is the important thing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI had always thought of myself as a seismic unflinching extrovert. Truth is, I am, but with introverted charging needs. So I can run to the end of battery before I realize I’m low and suddenly I’m no good to anyone and everyone is mad at me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Create an environment of community care and accountability in your polycule. <\/strong>Post-spiral, my new favorite word became \u201cbalance\u201d. If one person in the polycule needs extra attention – or extra space! – because of an illness, loss, or other traumatic life event, the other partners and metamours in the polycule band together and provide extra care and support. They can also help hold you accountable for taking good care of yourself. Obviously, this works best in a family-style poly environment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cI am stretched real thin right now too, so my polycule have banded together to help bring me lunch or pass over snacks. I regularly get asked what they can do for me to help me with my self-care. This is so important to me, as I am being held accountable for my self-care (i.e. that I actually take lunch) or tell me to stay home instead of staying with them, to help me get the most rest.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSelf-care and having the freedom to communicate my self-care needs, regardless of what they are, are a critical part of my relationships. Sometimes astute partners catch that I need self-care before I even realize I am getting to that point.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Initiate more intentional platonic friend and\/or family time. <\/strong>That being said, make sure you set clear boundaries with them ahead of time if you specifically do or do NOT want to talk about dating\/relationships. Actively discourage unsolicited advice or opt out of it altogether.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cThere\u2019s an epidemic of fixing in many interpersonal relationships. When one person seeks support from another, often the first thing they\u2019re offered is unsolicited advice about what strategy they should use in their career, how they should handle that asshole on the internet, or what they should be doing differently in their activism. It\u2019s all about fixing rather than holding space\u2026We\u2019re taught that our value to others is in giving good advice – we\u2019re not taught <\/a>empathy<\/em><\/a>\u2026In my close relationships, we\u2019ve gotten in the habit of asking, \u2018Are you looking for empathy or advice?\u2019 This gives the person seeking support <\/a>choice<\/em><\/a>.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCultivating friend time is super important, though I haven’t always been good at prioritizing it. I know as an extrovert I need time with folks that are not just partners or dates. So I schedule activity classes for me to take part in. I also try to keep in touch better with good friends.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Harmony Together \u2013 The Guide to Self-Care Within the Tapestry of Open Relationships<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Set sail on a voyage where the nurturing of self intertwines with the exploration of open relationships, creating a harmonious blend of personal well-being and collective joy. SwingTowns offers you a haven where the journey of self-care is both a personal endeavor and a shared experience. By registering for your free account<\/a>, you become part of a community that celebrates individual growth alongside relational happiness. Start your adventure with SwingTowns today, where self-care and open relationships weave together into a vibrant mosaic of love and exploration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cThis site has been super fun. Would highly recommend for all players :)\u201d -coltpl4y<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\n
Sign up for a Free SwingTowns profile<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n

Want to learn more? Read Six Steps for Positive Polyamorous Parenting<\/a> By Dr. Elisabeth Sheff.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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