{"id":194,"date":"2017-09-08T00:01:19","date_gmt":"2017-09-08T00:01:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/facd2ce320.nxcli.io\/?p=194"},"modified":"2024-04-12T13:03:00","modified_gmt":"2024-04-12T17:03:00","slug":"poly-basics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/findpoly.com\/blog\/poly-basics\/","title":{"rendered":"Poly Basics"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Thinking of going poly<\/a>, opening your relationship, or starting to date folks who are consensually non-monogamous? Or perhaps you\u2019ve always had an open heart and you\u2019re looking for more ethical options in order to find the best relationship structures for you and your loves. Having a sense of broader possibilities and the language to express your needs and wants can help make your relationships and adventures much more successful. Let\u2019s start with some key concepts that you might not have considered:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s Included?<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

There are so many ways to open our hearts! Perhaps you want to be sexually monogamous but emotionally open, or the reverse. Maybe you\u2019d like lots of people to make out with and fewer to sleep over. Perhaps you want a giant, communal family with diverse connections, all living nearby and sharing the tasks of living together. Maybe you want several people in a giant bed every night, but don\u2019t want anyone looking outside the relationship for other connections. Or it may be that you really are your best self as a free agent and need partners who respect that. If you aren\u2019t sure of the directions in which you want to go then it will be difficult to communicate your desires with others and to know when you\u2019re meeting people who may share similar goals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Gray<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Relationship Types<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

There are more ways to structure your relationships than anyone could count and a rich history of consensual non-monogamies that extends as long as humans have been creating families and communities together. All of these relationships, when done respectfully and ethically, share a core concept of consensual non-monogamy, meaning that everyone knows what\u2019s going on and consents to participate in the relationship structure. Some folks may want to know more than others, but that can also be part of the consent agreement. Perhaps the agreement is to participate in anarchist poly, which means little or no rules or obligations. Or perhaps your polyamory looks like a closed triad that lives together, meaning the three of you have no other sexual or love partners. Other structures combine the emotionally connected, on-going relationships of poly with opportunities for casual sexual connections with others. Recently, polyamory is getting some more press, especially the idea of heterosexually-paired couples who engage with a third person. (In other words, guy-gal pairings with a boyfriend, girlfriend, queerfriend, etc.) However, I\u2019d encourage you to consider more options to find what creative structures feel most authentic to the ways in which you love, and share that with your loves while inviting them to do the same. You might also look at some guides together, like this great comic on questioning and expanding ideas of what poly can look like.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How will this make everyone stronger, better, happier?<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

When I work with couples who are in the process of opening up, I ask them to co-create a shared goal statement for having an open relationship. How will their chosen type of poly help make them a more intimate, caring, supportive, and strong relationship together? This also goes for other types of poly. If you\u2019re into solo poly (you like to join other relationships without having a primary, home-base kind of love relationship) it\u2019s important you find that the overall trend of your relationships that helps make you happier, stronger, and more yourself. Are you already in a polycule (poly formation of some sort)? Make sure that, even if some of these relationships are not primary, everyone involved is being treated as equally valid. Being not-a-primary doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re disposable or there to serve the whims and fantasies of others! I recommend the book Opening Up<\/em><\/a> by Tristan Taormino as a great guide that includes more on this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"People<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s Ok for Relationships to End<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

When a relationship ends, that doesn\u2019t mean it was a failure. Some relationships turn out to have expiration dates, but they are still part of our life\u2019s journey. Sometimes, if we\u2019re honest, we also mess things up and maybe it might feel like more of a failure than a natural ending point. That\u2019s okay, too. It might mean poly isn\u2019t right for you, or it may mean that polycule wasn\u2019t right for you. Or maybe it just means you\u2019re still learning and growing and becoming ever more awesome. When married, monogamous people divorce, you don\u2019t usually hear people decrying the entire idea of marriage or monogamy. Instead, you may hear people suggesting that it be approached in new, potentially more successful ways. I\u2019d suggest that we approach consensual non-monogamy the same way. When a relationship or set of relationships end, then we may use the experience to learn or just see it as a sign that it\u2019s time to move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find Community<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Monogamous relationships get to rely on some powerful, shared community standards for what it means to be ethical and what expectations one might have without ever having to say them out loud. For poly people, it can feel like blazing your own trail every day. I\u2019ll be honest with you here. I\u2019ve always had a non-monogamous heart; for me it feels like a sexual orientation. But before I had the language and mentorship to help me learn, grow, and develop my own sense of relationship ethics, my non-monogamy was messy and harmful for me and my partners. Community support is important for the success of both monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships. If you can\u2019t find community where you live, or it\u2019s not safe to be out right now, then look online. Read books. Consider attending events near or far from home. Meeting wonderful people and learning about how to be honest, transparent, communicative, and ethical can make a world of difference. Poly and other forms of consensual non-monogamy have a rich, diverse history, and knowing that can also help. You might start with the book Sex At Dawn<\/em><\/a> by Christopher Ryan & Cecilia Jetha. You can also find a wealth of relationship therapists and coaches who are poly savvy if you\u2019re willing to ask directly and do a bit of hunting. We all deserve supportive experts to help us be our most healthy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Polyamory<\/a> holds opportunities for immeasurable joy, intimacy, satisfaction, connection, growth, and more. But these higher intensity relationship structures are more complex, and complexity means working harder to keep everything balanced and running smoothly. Take your time, be gentle and kind with yourself and your partners, and work together to find the best, most authentic place for your hearts to hold each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Foundations Together \u2013 Embarking on the Polyamorous Path with Curiosity and Joy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Dive into the essentials of polyamory, where every step is an opportunity for growth, discovery, and connections that sparkle with endless fun. SwingTowns welcomes you to a community where beginners and seasoned polyamorists alike share their journeys, learnings, and laughter. By signing up for your free account<\/a>, you\u2019re joining a vibrant network eager to explore the many facets of love and relationships together. Start your adventure with SwingTowns today, and lay the foundation for a journey filled with love, understanding, and endless exploration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cSwingTowns is awesome place to meet great people. We have met a lot nice people on here and had amazing time with several couples.\u201d -LoveTerri77<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\n
Sign up for a Free SwingTowns profile<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n

Want to learn more? Read\u00a0Four Important Skills You Need in a Polyamorous Relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thinking of going poly, opening your relationship, or starting to date folks who are consensually non-monogamous? Or perhaps you\u2019ve always had an open heart and you\u2019re looking for more ethical options in order to find the best relationship structures for you and your loves. Having a sense of broader possibilities and the language to express…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":198,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[332,331,186,330,31],"class_list":["post-194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-polyamory-basics","tag-community","tag-non-monogamy","tag-open-relationships","tag-poly-basics","tag-polyamory"],"yoast_head":"\nPoly Basics | Find Poly<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Thinking of going poly, opening your relationship, or starting to date folks who are consensually non-monogamous? 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