When I say talk intimacy, I\u2019m referring to the idea that talking through and over-examining most situations and thoughts (as a means for coming closer as a couple) and when it\u2019s valued above most other aspects of a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve seen this play out in my own and other polyamorous relationships. In fact, many equate polyamorous with \u201ctell all\u201d arrangements. Bringing to mind the image of a couple sharing in explicit detail every thought, fantasy, desire, and extramarital interaction (including non-married couples here).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I first heard the term \u201ctalk intimacy\u201d in Esther Perel\u2019s book Mating in Captivity<\/em>. Specifically, her observations on the difference between American and European interactions in relationships, made me look at my husband (who\u2019s British) and our relationship in a new light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In my quest to learn more about differing relationships and my desire to challenge my own way of doing things \u2013 I\u2019ve began questioning the value and emphasis I\u2019ve placed on talk intimacy in my marriage. The concepts that resulted have been enjoyable to consider.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Each person\u2019s needs and all relationships are completely different. There are literally billions of ways a partnership can look. This is meant as an exploration of different concepts and ideas \u2013 especially those valued in non-monogamous relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I consider my own relationship monogamish or ethically non-monogamous but try saying that ten times fast \u2013 it would be obnoxious as hell. And so, I use the word polyamorous pretty loosely here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ultimately, I consider relationships a spectrum just like so many things in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The most important thing here is to question and consider different ways of looking at your relationship \u2013 even if it is monogamous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Take what works for you and your partner and leave the rest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But if you get one thing out of this, I hope it\u2019s questioning at least one aspect of your relationship that you\u2019ve been taught is \u201cthe right way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ask questions, challenge norms, and make the relationship of your dreams by configuring it in a way that works best for you and your partner. This is something I wish for both monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships alike.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Relationships that place talk intimacy above all, often undervalue other forms of communication available. A simple tool to help explore this concept is the five love languages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The five love languages<\/a> is the idea that we all express love in different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. Often a person expresses their love in the love language they receive or feel the strongest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When one form of communication is placed at the top of a hierarchy of communication it can leave partner for whom it\u2019s not their primary love language feeling inadequate, misunderstood, and ultimately frustrated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These feelings can result when the most valued love language isn\u2019t the realm of communication they express or experience best. Also, this hierarchy can sometimes result in the unmet needs of one partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not pointing this out to let the person whose primary love language isn\u2019t verbal communication off the hook. I\u2019m simply pointing this out because I believe overvaluing verbal communication can quickly undermine the hard work many polyamorous couples are willing to put in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are going to expect your partner to become a better verbal communicator, it\u2019s just as important that you become a better non-verbal communicator.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I want to show my husband, I love him, I carefully watch how he shows me love and try to reflect that back onto him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a great lens to take and examine not only your romantic relationships with but your friendships with. I also try to incorporate this concept in my relationships with my parents, siblings, and close friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fostering eroticism and desire is one of the beautiful aspects of non-monogamous relationships I adore so much. If you\u2019re in a non-monogamous relationship of any form, you\u2019re likely exploring the deep places of erotic desire, fantasy, and sexual communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s incredibly beautiful to express your innermost fantasies to your partner and have them met with acceptance and validation. I\u2019ve seen this interaction disarm guilt and shame. It\u2019s an experience that can be deeply empowering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Esther Perel says it beautifully\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut then there are those who long to be known differently, to give themselves over and risk crossing that threshold. They muster the courage to confront the cultural prohibitions against sex – exuberant sex – at home. They hunger for full expression in the erotic realm, and resist the urge to withhold. For them sexual communion is far from dirty, but rather a sacred melding that puts us in touch with the divine.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n This is what I love about nonmonogamy – the willingness to be raw, vulnerable, and honest. To share parts of yourself that you were taught were unnatural and shameful, and to have your partner look at it and say, \u201cI love you anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n While fostering eroticism through autonomy and novelty is commonly part of most polyamorous relationships, it\u2019s the mystery that can sometimes be crowded out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have friends who pride themselves in \u201cknowing\u201d exactly how their partner thinks and behaves. A sense of arrogance often comes with this \u201cknowledge,\u201d as if they\u2019ve unlocked the secret of perfect polyamory (or monogamy for that matter).<\/p>\n\n\n\n I used to envy this attitude but I pretty quickly realized that it\u2019s actually a limiting belief. It\u2019s limiting in both its lack of humility and how it stifles mystery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I try to approach my relationship with humility and curiosity. It\u2019s a conscious effort on my part to give my husband both emotional space and space to change his identifying characteristics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because I believe we can label our partners with characteristics that can crush mystery and eroticism. Talk intimacy has the potential to exacerbate the blandness we are working to avoid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is the area where I\u2019ve seen the most difference in way Americans and Europeans interact within a romantic relationship. Day to day, us American\u2019s generally share our thoughts and emotions more readily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My husband has exhaled many a time, \u201cyou Americans and your emotions!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obviously, it\u2019s not that we have more emotions; it\u2019s that we seem to talk through things willingly and often incompletely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I find it interesting that in American monogamous relationships, not disclosing infidelity is often considered as bad if not worse than the act of cheating itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In European relationships, it\u2019s considered very selfish if you are going to cause your partner severe damage by disclosing your transgressions for the sake of soothing your guilty conscious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve started reexamining my own words and asking myself, is all this sharing actually selfish?<\/p>\n\n\n\n My general answer (as it stands now) is that for the most part it\u2019s ok, as long as I don\u2019t expect the same amount of verbal communication from my husband. This doesn\u2019t mean I haven\u2019t asked him to meet me in the middle, sometimes pushing him to share a little more of himself verbally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And in the case of extramarital sexual encounters? My conclusion is that over sharing can be extremely selfish on my end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He doesn\u2019t want to know the details and I\u2019ve learned to respect that. I\u2019ve learned that when there\u2019s not intentionality behind words, it can quickly become word vomit that only makes you feel good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fact that you need to earn a person\u2019s right to enter their thoughts isn\u2019t something that\u2019s readily accepted in American culture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We often enter a relationship or marriage and assume that because we\u2019ve committed to a life together that it means we are also guaranteed access to the inner workings of our partner\u2019s thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We act as though we\u2019ve been given security clearance to the most protected and secret parts of our partner\u2019s mind. And I\u2019m 100 percent guilty of this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But isn\u2019t it so much more romantic, to consider these glimpses into the deep thoughts and desires of our partner\u2019s mind, a gift?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of demanding or expecting access to our partner\u2019s mind, I\u2019d like to think of it as an ongoing field of expertise. Just like any skill<\/a> worth learning, you don\u2019t earn your 10,000 hours overnight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But remember, no matter how well you think you know your partner \u2013 there is a huge piece of their own mind they can\u2019t possibly know, which means by default you shouldn\u2019t ever give yourself too much credit in this area.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a lovely adventure to explore the mind of another \u2013 try not to demand or rush it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A relationship that values talk intimacy above all else, naively implies that our most true self is always conveyed through words. But we know that 95 percent of our brain\u2019s processing and therefore behaviors are occurring in the subconscious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we describe ourselves on paper or through a conversation, we are actually describing our ideal self or our conscious mind. But when we go about our daily lives, the subconscious is in control most of the time<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s important to consider the implications of our past experiences, including childhood, and the fact that there\u2019s an unknown even in our own mind. Within each person, there are millions of unspoken truths. And that\u2019s a lot to consider!<\/p>\n\n\n\n And the longer we\u2019re in a relationship, the more of our interactions with our partners are moved to the subconscious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is what\u2019s happening after the initial honeymoon phase of a relationship. Once our interactions are moved to the subconscious, sometimes we are suddenly confused and even shocked by the \u201cnew\u201d behaviors of our partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And over time it takes more effort to pull our interactions with our long term partner into the conscious mind. This is where real intimacy can happen \u2013 through many forms of communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I believe the fear of engulfment or losing the sense of self in a relationship is playing out in all sorts of peculiar ways today. Many are frustrated with online dating and how flakey it\u2019s become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We live in a world of efficiency and self-reliance. We are also deeply wary of vulnerability and dependence. With apps like Tinder, it makes it extremely easy to keep intimacy an arm\u2019s length.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fear of becoming engulfed by another is extremely powerful in me. This is probably the number one factor that ended nearly all of my relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In fact, the only man I\u2019ve met who has this fear more strongly than I do is my husband \u2013 haha!<\/em> In a weird way, his innate desire to preserve his sense of self is one of his qualities I find most attractive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While acknowledging this fear is strong, fighting the irrationality and lack of vulnerability this fear fosters is super important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What I\u2019m trying to say here is that, in an effort to battle the unhealthy behaviors that coincide with preserving the sense of self, which plays out into today\u2019s dating world \u2013 polyamorous couples often try to exist in the opposite end of the spectrum by living in a world of talk intimacy or \u201ctell all\u201d arrangements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This swing from almost total self-reliance to excessive over talking (and mistaking it for vulnerability) is a strange form of reductionism that isn\u2019t realistic for most of us who were born into a world valuing autonomy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think it\u2019s healthier to live somewhere in the middle. And only by acknowledging the potential over talking can have on losing the sense of self, can we live in the middle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think it\u2019s common for a group that differs from the \u201cnorm\u201d to swing hard to the opposite end of the spectrum. To cling to values for the sake of them being the antithesis of what they\u2019ve fought against.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But in my experience, many people exist somewhere in the gray area. My views on polyamory are evolving and I imagine they will continue to do so. More than anything I hope to find that sweet spot for my husband and I, while acknowledging that this will likely change throughout our lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Embark on a journey of discovery, where the art of conversation strengthens the bond of love in polyamory. SwingTowns invites you into a world where dialogue is celebrated, and every voice is heard with respect and compassion. Sign up for your free account today<\/a> and join a community dedicated to nurturing connections through meaningful communication. Begin your adventure with SwingTowns, where every talk is a step towards deeper understanding and enriched relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Swingtowns is fun and interesting for all kinds of cats! There a plenty of friendly folks and no pushy pests. Plenty of flavors for every occasion.” -FreakyFux<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n![\"A](\"https:\/\/findpoly.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/A-Couple-Wearing-Rainbow-Socks-1024x683.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nTake What Works (or Is Pleasantly Challenging!) and Leave the Rest<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nThe Importance of Other Forms of Communication<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"3](\"https:\/\/findpoly.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/3-Men-and-2-Women-Sitting-on-White-Bench-1024x683.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nEroticism Thrives in Autonomy, Novelty, and Mystery<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Confusing Radical Honesty with Word Vomit<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Glimpses into Another\u2019s Thoughts are Precious Gifts<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Remember the Power of the Subconscious<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t Ignore the Fear of Engulfment<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nChallenge the Desire to be Radical, Radically<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Communicate Together \u2013 Finding the Balance in Polyamorous Conversations<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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