{"id":220,"date":"2017-12-15T07:00:09","date_gmt":"2017-12-15T07:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/facd2ce320.nxcli.io\/?p=220"},"modified":"2024-04-12T12:11:59","modified_gmt":"2024-04-12T16:11:59","slug":"unicorn-hunting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/findpoly.com\/blog\/unicorn-hunting\/","title":{"rendered":"Looking for a Third: A Discussion About Unicorn Hunting™"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

One of the hottest and most longstanding topics in polyamorous communities is Unicorn Hunting™<\/span><\/em>. Go into almost any poly chat room in any corner of the internet and you will, without fail, find at least one post that sounds something like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Nelson Newbie:<\/span> Hey folks! We are a solid and secure married couple in seek of a third to complete our triad! Any women in *insert city\/state\/etc. here*?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re reading that and it sounds like something you\u2019ve written in the last six-to-nine months, you, my friend, are Unicorn Hunting™<\/span><\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I get it. Your heart is probably in a really good place. I don\u2019t want to make any assumptions about you, dear reader, since we haven\u2019t met, so instead I\u2019ll tell you a story about my own journey into polyamory<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I first discovered poly, I was married. I was watching a reality show that featured more than one polyamorous triad, much like what our friend Nelson Newbie was describing in his personal ad, and I was dazzled. I immediately showed it to my husband. We both thought it looked reaaaalllllyyyy<\/em> hot! (Pro-tip: Expert lighting, camera angles, and highly-edited-20-minute segments will do that.) We talked about this new polyamory concept a LOT. We wanted to learn more but definitely didn\u2019t know where to start. We were also nervous that it might be a big step to take and we were concerned about damaging our marriage. One thing we talked about was finding someone who would date us both. It seemed safe. It seemed like it might cut down on jealousy \u2013 how can I be jealous of something we are sharing. It seemed like the best way to dip our toes in, with minimal long-term risk. That didn\u2019t turn out to be the case, but I want you to know that I can totally relate to the allure of wanting to open up and not knowing how and thinking it might just be an easy first step to get a \u201cthird\u201d\u2026 like a tricycle is easier to ride than a bike. Unfortunately, this approach is widely regarded by more experience poly folks as a common mistake<\/em> for a number of reasons. Reasons I\u2019d wished I\u2019d had someone to share with me way back then. Reasons I\u2019m going to try and discuss with you now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before we go any further, let\u2019s back up and lay a little groundwork for this conversation. What is a unicorn and why do we call it Unicorn Hunting™<\/span><\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Crop<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

A \u201cunicorn\u201d is the community term<\/a> for a bisexual woman[1]<\/a> who is non-monogamous and open to a sexual or romantic relationship with a couple\/throuple\/etc. Why are we (yes, I\u2019m one of these women) called unicorns? Besides the fact that we are magical, the term unicorn has become a bit of a running joke in the poly community and it mostly refers to the unrealistic expectations that people seeking women like this out can have. Just like unicorns, what these couples want just isn\u2019t real. This practice is called Unicorn Hunting™<\/span><\/em> because it often comes across as (and actually is) incredibly dehumanizing and predatory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As someone who has been on both sides of the unicorn divide, I have my own thoughts on the matter, but I also have some very wonderful colleagues who share my views (and experience) that this is problematic. So, to help reinforce the message, I asked a friend of mine, fellow educator and longtime leader in the poly community, Joreth Inkeeper, for her input on some of this unicorn stuff. Joreth has written and educated extensively on polyamory, so I sent her the same (semi)hypothetical ad from Nelson Newbie and asked her how she might respond if she saw it on a forum[2]<\/a>. She started off by saying this, \u201cYou will probably not have much luck finding what you\u2019re looking for, and you should also expect to get a lot of backlash for your ad. The reason is because the language that you\u2019re using is classic Unicorn Hunting, which is off-putting to exactly that demographic you\u2019re looking for. If you truly want to find a romantic partner for a polyamorous relationship, you would be more successful if you changed a few things about the language that you\u2019re using.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I agree. This ad is way more likely to get backlash than sincere, interested responses. If I\u2019m being honest, I tend to feel pretty prone to provide that backlash when I see this, only because it just seems to be so rampant in our communities. But I know that anger and backlash, while sometimes cathartic, is not productive. So, I asked Joreth what she\u2019d recommend people do instead. Joreth has five points she makes about why this approach isn\u2019t necessarily the most ethical or successful way to meet new people in poly communities. Let\u2019s talk about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

One:<\/span> Bisexual women are humans, not unicorns.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFirst of all,\u201d says Joreth, \u201cbisexual women are human beings, not puzzle pieces to a relationship. They are whole and complete people all by themselves. They are similarly looking for whole and complete people to have full relationships with, not other partial people who are not complete. If you want to attract a woman, treat her like a complete person with her own desires, needs, and limitations, not like the final collectible in your glass unicorn collection.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BINGO! What an excellent starting point! In Nelson\u2019s ad, he doesn\u2019t talk about the wonderful qualities of the human he and his wife are seeking. He simply wants a third to \u201ccomplete their triad.\u201d Remember when I said that Unicorn Hunting™ <\/sup><\/em>can feel really dehumanizing to the \u201cunicorn\u201d? This is part of what I\u2019m talking about. When a couple is trying so hard to preserve their relationship that all they\u2019re doing is shopping for a bedroom accessory, it\u2019s obvious. While I, personally, don\u2019t mind occasionally joining a couple for a little roll in the hay (and I know many \u201cunicorn\u201d women who feel the same), this doesn\u2019t mean I want to become a toy waiting on someone\u2019s nightstand while they build a real relationship with someone else. And, ultimately, I still want to be treated like a person who has her own needs, thoughts, and feelings<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two:<\/span> You, and your partner, are also human beings.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Joreth continues, \u201cSecond, as already mentioned, people like to engage with other whole people. You will have better luck finding someone who is interested in you if you present yourself as a whole and complete person, not someone who needs another to be whole. That\u2019s a lot of pressure, and, frankly, it\u2019s an unattractive job duty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Nelson\u2019s ad, he also doesn\u2019t talk about the wonderful qualities he and\/or his wife are bringing to the table. Poly relationship skills aren\u2019t unlike other relationship skills. If you\u2019re a single, monogamous person on a dating site and you\u2019re looking for someone to go out with, which sounds better, and ad telling you want that person wants or an ad where the person tells you more about themselves?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three:<\/span> Relationships don\u2019t date. People do.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Poly dating is also not totally unlike mono dating in that it\u2019s really about what you\u2019re doing as an individual, not what you\u2019re doing as a \u201ccouple\u201d. Joreth expands upon this as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThird,\u201d she says, \u201cpolyamory is not something that ‘couples’<\/em> do, it\u2019s something that people do. Spend some time finding your own identities as individual people. Your ‘third’ is dating two people, not one relationship. So become people – the women you\u2019re looking for deserve to date actual human beings, not a relationship construct.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRemember,\u201d Joreth adds, \u201cyour marriage is intimidating. You come with a history and a legal contract that leaves anyone interested in dating either of you at a disadvantage right from the start. If you want someone to be willing to overcome that hurdle, you have to make it worth her time and her heart. For that, she needs you to be complete people all by yourselves and she needs to be able to relate to you individually, not be treated like an add-on rumpus room to a house you already built.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is something that folks in the poly community often refer to as an aspect of \u201ccouple\u2019s privilege\u201d. Being one half of a couple can be a lot for a new person to take on. It\u2019s going to be important that you\u2019re committed to making new people feel valued, and to respecting their agency and autonomy. It\u2019s totally fine to be in a coupled up situation, but it\u2019s important to try and think about the challenges someone dating either one of you (much less both of you) might face. If you have already built the relationship box you want that person to fit it, before you even meet them, they didn\u2019t get any say so in building it with you! I\u2019m going to paraphrase something I saw on the internet recently: As any cat owner will tell you, putting people into a box is much different than leaving it open and letting them get in there on their own. Much the same way you and your current partner want to build something great (and deserve to), so, too do the women you are hoping to date.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Four:<\/span> The odds are not in your favor.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Another reason that this \u201clooking for a third\u201d approach doesn\u2019t always go well is simple math. As Joreth explains, \u201cThe odds of finding a single bisexual woman who will love you both equally and not want anyone else but you has the lowest odds of all the options.\u201d For further reading on this, Joreth suggests: http:\/\/emanix.livejournal.com\/28752.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Five:<\/span> Force only works in Star Wars.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Remember before when I said that poly skills aren\u2019t that much different than any other type of relationship skills? That\u2019s still true even down here at the end of this article. Just like in your other relationships, cramming people into a predetermined-relationship-shaped box you\u2019ve made is not going to end well for anyone. Joreth\u2019s fifth point was this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

The most successful (in terms of happiness & longevity) poly relationships are those that developed organically, not those that were designed ahead of time. People, in general, are terrible at predicting what will make them happy. Poly people, in particular, are often surprised to find that the relationship configuration that brought them the most happiness is a configuration they never considered. But they met someone, and things just clicked, against all their planning and designing. Instead of ordering up a single bisexual woman as your \u201cthird\u201d to \u201ccomplete\u201d your family, just go out and meet people and be open to what develops. Maybe you will find happiness with a single bisexual woman who loves you both equally and you form a new family together. FMF triads do happen, after all. But they happen naturally, not because they were sought. You are more likely to find happiness in some other configuration. Don\u2019t turn away from happiness just because it comes in a package that you weren\u2019t expecting.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Dear reader, I hope to leave you feeling encouraged and empowered to go back into the poly dating world and find community and love. If you are a unicorn, and you\u2019d like to share your experience, please comment on this piece or email me at angel@professorsex.com<\/a>. If you\u2019re reading this (maybe someone shared it with you as a link under a comment you\u2019ve posted on a poly thread *cough cough*) and you\u2019ve discovered that you might just be Unicorn Hunting™<\/span><\/em>, it\u2019s not too late to take this information and make adjustments. If you\u2019d like some one-on-one help crafting your new dating profile, I encourage you to hire a poly-aware sex and relationship coach (like me! Shameless plug<\/em>). For more information email me or visit professorsex.com\/consultations<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For more of Joreth\u2019s thoughts on Unicorn Hunting™\u00a0<\/sup><\/em>and other things, please visit her at https:\/\/joreth.dreamwidth.org\/369047.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Journey Together \u2013 Unveiling the Quest for the Elusive Unicorn<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Embark on a thoughtful exploration of what it means to welcome a third into your relationship, navigating the desires and dynamics with care and respect. SwingTowns offers a space where curiosity meets understanding, and the search for a unicorn is shared with honesty and openness. Sign up for your free account today<\/a>, and connect with a community eager to support your adventure, offering insights and experiences that illuminate the path. Begin your exploration with SwingTowns, where every quest is an opportunity for growth, connection, and joyous discovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Swingtowns is incredible, I have met many awesome couples and single females on here. I recommend this site to anyone in the lifestyle! -MrMsBullDurham<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

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Sign up for a Free SwingTowns profile<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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1]<\/a> Sometimes unicorns are men or non-binary folx, but often this phenomenon is directed at women so I am going to use that language for ease throughout the rest of the article. I\u2019m also going to specifically talk about bi-femme unicorns because the experience can be different when the unicorn is not a woman and that would be a different discussion entirely.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

[2]<\/a> If she were operating under the assumption that the people who posted it were well-meaning, but new and clueless, and open to being educated. People like you, dear reader.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

One of the hottest and most longstanding topics in polyamorous communities is Unicorn Hunting™. Go into almost any poly chat room in any corner of the internet and you will, without fail, find at least one post that sounds something like this: Nelson Newbie: Hey folks! 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