![\"Two](\"https:\/\/findpoly.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/Two-Women-and-a-Man-Arguing-on-a-Street-1024x683.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nHere are five tips for supporting a jealous partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One: Don\u2019t make promises you can\u2019t keep (and don\u2019t apologize for wrongs that haven\u2019t been committed).<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nIt can be very tempting to do or say ANYTHING to get your partner feeling better (or assuage feelings of guilt you might be having when your partner is sad). If your partner is feeling jealous because you\u2019re spending time with someone new, it can seem like an easy fix to start making promises that aren\u2019t ethical, or that you have no intention of keeping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here are just a few examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n- Promising to spend less time with Partner A because Partner B is having a hard time<\/em>.
This is not particularly fair to any of you, and it\u2019s only a very temporary fix. Eventually, you and Partner A may want the opportunity to be a bigger part of each other\u2019s lives. Then you\u2019ll be right back where you started.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Promising not to fall \u201cmore\u201d in love with Partner B to spare another Partner C\u2019s feelings.
<\/em>Good luck with that. Seriously, though, how can you expect to control what your heart does?<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Promising to only ever date people who want to date you both.
<\/em>This is complicated for another host of reasons. Please see this piece on Unicorn Hunting<\/a> for more discussion of this.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Promising to show Partner C all the messages Partner A sends you so they never feel left out.
<\/em>This is not only a cumbersome task that will promote, rather than inhibit, insecurity, it is also a huge violation of Partner A\u2019s privacy.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\nWhy won\u2019t these kinds of things work? Firstly, they aren\u2019t very ethical to the \u201cother\u201d partner. If you\u2019re making rules or promises about your relationship with another person and they aren\u2019t part of the negotiation process, you\u2019ve stripped them of their agency and autonomy. Secondly, these promises will do more harm than good in the long term. This kind of thing fails to get at the real problem: whatever is Partner B is actually<\/em> feeling. Instead of creating a compassionate space for Partner B to work through their emotions, you\u2019ve instead put an unsustainable Band-Aid over an emotional bullet wound.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThis brings us to\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two: Talk about what\u2019s actually<\/em> going on.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nOne piece of wisdom that I share with my clients (which has also been very successful in my own relationships) is to remove the word jealousy<\/em> from your vocabulary. Inevitably, when we say we are feeling jealous, what we are actually feeling is something else entirely \u2013 or, maybe something more specific. If you take the word jealousy<\/em> off the table it forces you to think and talk about what\u2019s really going on so you can be specific, clear, and direct.<\/p>\n\n\n\nPerhaps what you are feeling is a Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). Maybe your new metamour<\/a> is really good at something you enjoy and you\u2019re feeling insecure. Maybe your partner is so caught up in New Relationship Energy<\/a> that they\u2019ve been breaking commitments or being less attentive with you. Simply saying \u201cI feel jealous\u201d doesn\u2019t give you or your partner enough information to do anything about those feelings. Taking time to identify what\u2019s really going on for you is a valuable skill to practice and it is the only way you\u2019ll be able to work through it and find a solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\nNow that you have this skill, you can put this into practice when your partners come to you with their own feelings of jealousy. Remember, emotions can make it very difficult to speak calmly or gather our thoughts. If your partner is confronting you with their jealousy, remember that they love you and try responding to them with compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jealousy is really shitty feeling. I\u2019m sorry you\u2019re hurting and I appreciate your honesty, I know it must be really hard to talk about this. Can we talk about where that jealousy is coming from? \u2026 If you had to explain it me, and you couldn\u2019t use the word \u201cjealous,\u201d what would you say you\u2019re feeling?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nThis kind of discussion is not only going to help you diffuse your partner\u2019s hurt feelings, it carries the added bonus of making your partner feel validated and heard. For this to be successful you have to work hard at your active listening skills. Remember the first point and listen to how they\u2019re feeling without making promises that are unreasonable, unrealistic, or unethical. Don\u2019t rush to apologize or start jumping into \u201cfixer\u201d mode. Just listen. Repeat back what they\u2019ve said to you in your own language to make sure you understand what them clearly. Be patient. Stay calm. If you need to take a break and come back to the table later with a clear head, do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Three: Practice compassion and reassurance.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n\u201cCompassionate\u201d and \u201cNice\u201d are two entirely different things. In Buddhist philosophy, the practice of compassion is about doing the right thing in the right moment. Doing all of your partner\u2019s emotional work for them, making wild promises, or becoming their punching bag might make them stop crying and it might even make you seem \u201cnice,\u201d but it\u2019s not compassionate. If you and your partner are committed to ethical non-monogamy<\/a> then the compassionate response considers what is right for everyone involved. It is not healthy or fair (or compassionate) for you to, for example, break up with your new girlfriend because your wife is feeling hurt. After all, your new girlfriend is not a video game you can return to Game Stop, she\u2019s a human being with thoughts and needs. If you\u2019re not ready to respect the agency and autonomy (and wants and needs) of your new partners, then you\u2019re not ready for ethical non-monogamy.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat would be compassionate instead? Asking your wife why<\/em> she feels hurt (see point two).<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n- Is she concerned that she\u2019ll lose you?
<\/em>This is an excellent time to talk about your love languages<\/a> and how you can best be reassuring about your love and commitment to her.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Is she concerned about risks you\u2019re taking by sleeping with new people?
<\/em>Negotiate your boundaries around fluid bonding, STI testing, and safer sex barriers (for more specific guidance on this, consider hiring a sex coach<\/a>).<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Is she feeling left out?
<\/em>This could be a number of things. Maybe you\u2019ve been together for a while and you\u2019ve settled into a more mundane day-to-day routine. Now she\u2019s watching your new girlfriend go out on lots of dates with you, where you get all dressed up and come home glowing. If that\u2019s the case, try scheduling regular date nights with your wife to help reassure her that the magic is still very much alive. Maybe she wants to meet this awesome new person you\u2019ve told her so much about so she can share your joy with you. If so, talk to them both about a time you can all connect for coffee, or maybe even meet up with a group of friends to take some pressure off the situation.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Is she feeling deceived or betrayed?
<\/em>Sometimes, even with our best intentions, we act in ways that make our partners feel like we aren\u2019t be very forthcoming. We spare them important details because we don\u2019t want to make them sad (this is \u201cnice\u201d but not \u201ccompassionate\u201d), or we are \u201cwaiting for the right time\u201d to tell them something only to realize that time has long passed. Sometimes, especially when we are new to polyamory, telling existing partners about new partners can be scary. If your wife found out about your girlfriend after you\u2019d been seeing her for a while, or in a way that wasn\u2019t very straightforward, she might feel like you deceived her (because, you kinda did, babe). If you told your wife that you and your girlfriend aren\u2019t sleeping together and later she finds out that you are, she\u2019s probably going to feel cheated or betrayed. Doing the \u201cnice\u201d thing by omitting information or avoiding conversations to spare her feelings is likely to result in behavior this unethical, messy, and hurtful. Better to be compassionate, honest, and forthcoming; those are challenging conversations but much easier than cleaning up the pieces after someone feels lied to.If this happens, own it. Listen to your partner (see above) and, after they know you\u2019ve heard what they have to say, apologize with sincerity. Then collaborate with her on a plan to restore the trust that has been damaged.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\nFour: Be patient.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nNone of us is Spock. Emotions (even messy ones) are an unavoidable part of life and intimate relationships. There\u2019s no such thing as a bad or good emotion. They just\u2026 are. Your partner can\u2019t help that they\u2019re feeling this way, but they can help what actions they take in the midst of their feelings. You may <\/span>will need to have conversations like this a lot (Spoiler: Polyamory is, like, 80% talking about each other\u2019s feelings). As long as your partner remains committed to doing the work they need to do to be their best self, even in the midst of hard emotions, I encourage you to be patient with them \u2013 this will also promote an environment where they are, in turn, patient with you. Hear their heart without passing judgement and remember that this is someone who cares about you and desires to have a relationship with you. This does not mean you need to be a doormat for physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a partner who is unwilling to control their behavior, or who lets their emotions get the best of them. If you feel that what you are enduring is manipulative, say so (compassion is for you as well as for your loved ones). If what\u2019s happening becomes excessive or abusive, get help from a professional or consider walking away \u2013 you are not obligated to remain in any relationship ever, let alone one where abuse exists.<\/p>\n\n\n\nFive: Use your lifelines.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nAs much as we want to be, we aren\u2019t always going to be the best source of support for our loved ones. Maybe it just tears you up to know that your partner is home crying while you\u2019re on a date. Your partner\u2019s sadness is not necessarily an indication that you\u2019re doing anything wrong; it could just be part of the journey they\u2019re on. Sadness is a valid emotion and it\u2019s okay to feel it. It\u2019s even ok to hold your partner while they cry it out. But if you find that you\u2019re checking your phone every five minutes while you\u2019re on your date, or that you\u2019re so weighed down with unnecessary guilt that it\u2019s becoming toxic to you and others around you, phone a friend. Or, rather, encourage your partner to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019re polyamorous, then odds are you don\u2019t expect to meet every one of your partners\u2019 needs. Working through jealousy is no different. Create a community of loved ones and chosen family, then support each other. Having a community of people who understand and support you is going to be a huge asset to all of you as you move through your polyamorous journey. Find the right people who will love and encourage you (this is not the time to call your Aunt Sally who thinks this is just a phase and you haven\u2019t met the right man yet). If you can\u2019t find those people in your city or town, try an online community like the one here at FindPoly.com or on a social media message board. Or, consider hiring a sex and relationship coach, counselor, or therapist who can provide you with tools for working through these things. Also use resources like books and worksheets (I recommend More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert<\/a> or The Jealousy Survival Guide by Kitty Chambliss<\/a> as great starting points) to help you actively take steps to move through your tough emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\nJealousy is tough, but you and your partner are tougher. You\u2019re on an amazing and rewarding journey. It is scary, but most of us will agree that it is totally worth it. And, if you have any questions about any of this, or need any support, please don\u2019t hesitate to reach out to me directly<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nEmbrace Together \u2013 Navigating the Hues of Jealousy with Love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Join us as we explore the delicate dance of managing jealousy, transforming it from a shadow into a pathway for deeper connection and understanding. SwingTowns opens a realm where support, compassion, and open communication flourish, guiding you and your partner through the complexities of emotions. Sign up for your free account today<\/a>, and be part of a community that stands ready to embrace, support, and grow alongside you. Begin your journey with SwingTowns, where every emotion is an opportunity to strengthen bonds and explore love in its many colors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n“Wow!! This site is absolutely amazing. Me and my lady have met some fun sexy people on here and got some great feedback from other couples about our profile.” -JessnOsc77<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
This is not particularly fair to any of you, and it\u2019s only a very temporary fix. Eventually, you and Partner A may want the opportunity to be a bigger part of each other\u2019s lives. Then you\u2019ll be right back where you started.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>Good luck with that. Seriously, though, how can you expect to control what your heart does?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>This is complicated for another host of reasons. Please see this piece on Unicorn Hunting<\/a> for more discussion of this.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>This is not only a cumbersome task that will promote, rather than inhibit, insecurity, it is also a huge violation of Partner A\u2019s privacy.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Why won\u2019t these kinds of things work? Firstly, they aren\u2019t very ethical to the \u201cother\u201d partner. If you\u2019re making rules or promises about your relationship with another person and they aren\u2019t part of the negotiation process, you\u2019ve stripped them of their agency and autonomy. Secondly, these promises will do more harm than good in the long term. This kind of thing fails to get at the real problem: whatever is Partner B is actually<\/em> feeling. Instead of creating a compassionate space for Partner B to work through their emotions, you\u2019ve instead put an unsustainable Band-Aid over an emotional bullet wound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This brings us to\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One piece of wisdom that I share with my clients (which has also been very successful in my own relationships) is to remove the word jealousy<\/em> from your vocabulary. Inevitably, when we say we are feeling jealous, what we are actually feeling is something else entirely \u2013 or, maybe something more specific. If you take the word jealousy<\/em> off the table it forces you to think and talk about what\u2019s really going on so you can be specific, clear, and direct.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps what you are feeling is a Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). Maybe your new metamour<\/a> is really good at something you enjoy and you\u2019re feeling insecure. Maybe your partner is so caught up in New Relationship Energy<\/a> that they\u2019ve been breaking commitments or being less attentive with you. Simply saying \u201cI feel jealous\u201d doesn\u2019t give you or your partner enough information to do anything about those feelings. Taking time to identify what\u2019s really going on for you is a valuable skill to practice and it is the only way you\u2019ll be able to work through it and find a solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you have this skill, you can put this into practice when your partners come to you with their own feelings of jealousy. Remember, emotions can make it very difficult to speak calmly or gather our thoughts. If your partner is confronting you with their jealousy, remember that they love you and try responding to them with compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jealousy is really shitty feeling. I\u2019m sorry you\u2019re hurting and I appreciate your honesty, I know it must be really hard to talk about this. Can we talk about where that jealousy is coming from? \u2026 If you had to explain it me, and you couldn\u2019t use the word \u201cjealous,\u201d what would you say you\u2019re feeling?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n This kind of discussion is not only going to help you diffuse your partner\u2019s hurt feelings, it carries the added bonus of making your partner feel validated and heard. For this to be successful you have to work hard at your active listening skills. Remember the first point and listen to how they\u2019re feeling without making promises that are unreasonable, unrealistic, or unethical. Don\u2019t rush to apologize or start jumping into \u201cfixer\u201d mode. Just listen. Repeat back what they\u2019ve said to you in your own language to make sure you understand what them clearly. Be patient. Stay calm. If you need to take a break and come back to the table later with a clear head, do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCompassionate\u201d and \u201cNice\u201d are two entirely different things. In Buddhist philosophy, the practice of compassion is about doing the right thing in the right moment. Doing all of your partner\u2019s emotional work for them, making wild promises, or becoming their punching bag might make them stop crying and it might even make you seem \u201cnice,\u201d but it\u2019s not compassionate. If you and your partner are committed to ethical non-monogamy<\/a> then the compassionate response considers what is right for everyone involved. It is not healthy or fair (or compassionate) for you to, for example, break up with your new girlfriend because your wife is feeling hurt. After all, your new girlfriend is not a video game you can return to Game Stop, she\u2019s a human being with thoughts and needs. If you\u2019re not ready to respect the agency and autonomy (and wants and needs) of your new partners, then you\u2019re not ready for ethical non-monogamy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What would be compassionate instead? Asking your wife why<\/em> she feels hurt (see point two).<\/p>\n\n\n\n None of us is Spock. Emotions (even messy ones) are an unavoidable part of life and intimate relationships. There\u2019s no such thing as a bad or good emotion. They just\u2026 are. Your partner can\u2019t help that they\u2019re feeling this way, but they can help what actions they take in the midst of their feelings. You may <\/span>will need to have conversations like this a lot (Spoiler: Polyamory is, like, 80% talking about each other\u2019s feelings). As long as your partner remains committed to doing the work they need to do to be their best self, even in the midst of hard emotions, I encourage you to be patient with them \u2013 this will also promote an environment where they are, in turn, patient with you. Hear their heart without passing judgement and remember that this is someone who cares about you and desires to have a relationship with you. This does not mean you need to be a doormat for physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a partner who is unwilling to control their behavior, or who lets their emotions get the best of them. If you feel that what you are enduring is manipulative, say so (compassion is for you as well as for your loved ones). If what\u2019s happening becomes excessive or abusive, get help from a professional or consider walking away \u2013 you are not obligated to remain in any relationship ever, let alone one where abuse exists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As much as we want to be, we aren\u2019t always going to be the best source of support for our loved ones. Maybe it just tears you up to know that your partner is home crying while you\u2019re on a date. Your partner\u2019s sadness is not necessarily an indication that you\u2019re doing anything wrong; it could just be part of the journey they\u2019re on. Sadness is a valid emotion and it\u2019s okay to feel it. It\u2019s even ok to hold your partner while they cry it out. But if you find that you\u2019re checking your phone every five minutes while you\u2019re on your date, or that you\u2019re so weighed down with unnecessary guilt that it\u2019s becoming toxic to you and others around you, phone a friend. Or, rather, encourage your partner to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re polyamorous, then odds are you don\u2019t expect to meet every one of your partners\u2019 needs. Working through jealousy is no different. Create a community of loved ones and chosen family, then support each other. Having a community of people who understand and support you is going to be a huge asset to all of you as you move through your polyamorous journey. Find the right people who will love and encourage you (this is not the time to call your Aunt Sally who thinks this is just a phase and you haven\u2019t met the right man yet). If you can\u2019t find those people in your city or town, try an online community like the one here at FindPoly.com or on a social media message board. Or, consider hiring a sex and relationship coach, counselor, or therapist who can provide you with tools for working through these things. Also use resources like books and worksheets (I recommend More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert<\/a> or The Jealousy Survival Guide by Kitty Chambliss<\/a> as great starting points) to help you actively take steps to move through your tough emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jealousy is tough, but you and your partner are tougher. You\u2019re on an amazing and rewarding journey. It is scary, but most of us will agree that it is totally worth it. And, if you have any questions about any of this, or need any support, please don\u2019t hesitate to reach out to me directly<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Join us as we explore the delicate dance of managing jealousy, transforming it from a shadow into a pathway for deeper connection and understanding. SwingTowns opens a realm where support, compassion, and open communication flourish, guiding you and your partner through the complexities of emotions. Sign up for your free account today<\/a>, and be part of a community that stands ready to embrace, support, and grow alongside you. Begin your journey with SwingTowns, where every emotion is an opportunity to strengthen bonds and explore love in its many colors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Wow!! This site is absolutely amazing. Me and my lady have met some fun sexy people on here and got some great feedback from other couples about our profile.” -JessnOsc77<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\nTwo: Talk about what\u2019s actually<\/em> going on.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Three: Practice compassion and reassurance.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n
<\/em>This is an excellent time to talk about your love languages<\/a> and how you can best be reassuring about your love and commitment to her.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>Negotiate your boundaries around fluid bonding, STI testing, and safer sex barriers (for more specific guidance on this, consider hiring a sex coach<\/a>).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>This could be a number of things. Maybe you\u2019ve been together for a while and you\u2019ve settled into a more mundane day-to-day routine. Now she\u2019s watching your new girlfriend go out on lots of dates with you, where you get all dressed up and come home glowing. If that\u2019s the case, try scheduling regular date nights with your wife to help reassure her that the magic is still very much alive. Maybe she wants to meet this awesome new person you\u2019ve told her so much about so she can share your joy with you. If so, talk to them both about a time you can all connect for coffee, or maybe even meet up with a group of friends to take some pressure off the situation.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>Sometimes, even with our best intentions, we act in ways that make our partners feel like we aren\u2019t be very forthcoming. We spare them important details because we don\u2019t want to make them sad (this is \u201cnice\u201d but not \u201ccompassionate\u201d), or we are \u201cwaiting for the right time\u201d to tell them something only to realize that time has long passed. Sometimes, especially when we are new to polyamory, telling existing partners about new partners can be scary. If your wife found out about your girlfriend after you\u2019d been seeing her for a while, or in a way that wasn\u2019t very straightforward, she might feel like you deceived her (because, you kinda did, babe). If you told your wife that you and your girlfriend aren\u2019t sleeping together and later she finds out that you are, she\u2019s probably going to feel cheated or betrayed. Doing the \u201cnice\u201d thing by omitting information or avoiding conversations to spare her feelings is likely to result in behavior this unethical, messy, and hurtful. Better to be compassionate, honest, and forthcoming; those are challenging conversations but much easier than cleaning up the pieces after someone feels lied to.If this happens, own it. Listen to your partner (see above) and, after they know you\u2019ve heard what they have to say, apologize with sincerity. Then collaborate with her on a plan to restore the trust that has been damaged.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\nFour: Be patient.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Five: Use your lifelines.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Embrace Together \u2013 Navigating the Hues of Jealousy with Love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n